Jokes?

[Uncle B]

"A mother to her son did utter
"Go, my son, and shut the shutter"
"The shutter's shut" the son did utter
"I cannot shut it any shutter

How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit
If a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
A sheet slitter could slit all the sheets
If a sheet slitter could slit sheets!

Sarah, Sarah, sits in her Chevrolet.
When she shifts she sips her Schlitz,
and when she sips her Schlitz she shifts.

[Motorcycle Forum]

[Uncle B]

ANGER MANAGEMENT -

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you,you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?

WIFE : I clean the toilet....

HUSBAND:How does that help ?

WIFE : I use your toothbrush.....

[inspiron]

It's all a matter of perspective...

[Smurf]

It's all a matter of perspective...

When I was married to my ex-wife.....I was sitting in the mall and watching people walk by with a friend of mine.

A girl walked by and I said "Dude, she's pretty sharp looking", he replied "What are you talking about.....she's fat !!!!".

I said back to him "It's all in what you are used to.....If your used to a Wooly Mamouth, then a Hippo looks pretty good".

It's all about perspective.

[D_Klein]

Ahh, crude humor... my favorite kind.

[inspiron]

You can look at any woman, even Cindy Crawford or Heidi Klum, and you just have to remind yourself that someone, somewhere is tired of her crap.

[919Hooligan]

A boy walks into his kitchen and finds his dad banging his mom on the kitchen table. Dad laughingly yells, "What are your looking at? Get outta here!"

Next day, Dad comes into the kitchen and finds his son giving it to Grandma on the kitchen table. Dad yells, "Oh my god! What are you doing?!"
Kid says, "It's not so cool when it's your mom, is it??"

[Clint]

ROFL! Gross!

[blackie1491]

Getting so bad in here, I think it is time for someone to use the thread closed button!!!!!

[Uncle B]

Subject: Seniors breakfast special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"YES!!" ----

"I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS. We've been around the block more than once.

[Uncle B]

Any guy that can't relate to this never had a wrench in his hand!

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
* Oil Change $25.00
* Coffee $ 1.00
* Total $26.00.

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of recycling it properly, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
Look for 5/8 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in the process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Drink another Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Finish oil change tomorrow.
1 Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. (IDIOT!!)
27) Drink beer.
2 Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Drink beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
3 Drink beer..
39) Drink beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Drink beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Drink another Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
4 Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total-- $4150.00

But you know the job was done right!!!

[Rockhead]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


For the answer click and drag you r mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk arse off the merry-go-round. *

[Robley]

Two prostitutes where walking down the street one says to the other we are going to make money tonight. the second one says how can you tell ,first one says I smell d!@k in the air, second one says shut up b!t@h I burped.

[Uncle B]

Boudreaux, fell in love with Marie and he asked her to marry him.
>
Marie was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
>
Boudreaux was a poor fisherman and could not afford to take much time off for a honeymoon. So, that night that they were married, they retired to his little shack on the bayou. When Boudreaux was undressing, Marie said, "Oh Boudreaux!...What dat is?"
>
Boudreaux being very quick thinking and sensitive to Marie's naive young ways said, "Marie, my love, I am the only man in the world wit one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for and Marie was very content.
>
The next morning Boudreaux went off to fish as usual. When he returned home that evening, Marie was on the front porch obviously upset about something. "Boudreaux, you tole me that you were the only man in the world with one of those and I saw Thiodeaux, our friend, changing his clothes behind the fish shed, and he had one, too."
>
Thinking fast, Boudreaux said, "Oh, Marie, darling, Thibodeaux is my very best friend. I had two of dem things, so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of doze."
>
Marie accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
>
Boudreaux went off to fish again the next morning and when he returned home, Marie was very upset and stamping her foot on the porch.
>
"Marie, what da matter now?"
>
"Boudreaux, I'm mad at you!...You gave Thibodeaux the BEST one!!"

[Uncle B]

LEARNING TO CUSS

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
>> >>>> >>
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old.
>> >>>> >
"I think it's about time we started cussing."
>> >>>> >>
The 4 Year-olds nods his head in approval.
>> >>>> >>
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'azz.'
>> >>
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
>> >>>> >>
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."
>> >>>> >>
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?
>> >>
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat azz it won't be Cheerios."