Jokes?

[MOTOHOLIC!]

Why don't we have any jokes around here? It'd be cool to have some jokes. Any of you for it?

[Motorcycle Forum]

[Louis]

We wouldn't want this site to become a joke...


Thank you, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waiter.

[MOTOHOLIC!]

It's a wonder this site already isn't a joke! Especially since you're a member here.

[Louis]

Hmmm.... how does this Ban feature work again???

[MOTOHOLIC!]

You're not scaring me!

[Clint]

You bet, but they'll have to be in OT.



An old man was walking out of the "Seniors' Night" dance with his son, who was picking him up.

"How'd it go tonight?" he asked.

"Great!" replied the older man. "I danced the whole time with this great looking woman, but she was like this." He held out his hands in front of his chest as if gripping two large melons.

"What's wrong with that?" his son asked.

"Arthritis."

[Uncle B]

Sven and Olaf worked together in a Minnesota factory and both were laid off.
So...dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder.
Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled Labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
Sve n, when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel Fitter".
The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter and it was classified as a skilled job.
So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"Vat ;skill? yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties.
Olaf puts dem over his head and says,
"Yah, ---------- DIESEL FITTER".
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>If you don't understand a word of this, then you're not Swedish or from Minnesota!

[inspiron]

Dear Abby ...

[Rockhead]

A guy and his girlfriend went to see an X-rated movie; about half way through the movie she nudged him and said the guy next to her was j###### off real fast and hard, her boyfriend told her to just ignore him. She said, “I can’t…. He is using my hand.”

[Apertureguy]

A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones del Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

[MOTOHOLIC!]

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2.Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son.... Your eyes look red, respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"



GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing,
always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time
and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep
the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.




Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

[Uncle B]

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.
I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The package said the food is nutritionally complete so Iwas going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out
the door.

[Smurf]

Hey !!!!


Did you hear the one about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods ?



Think about it folks !!!

[inspiron]

Hey !!!!

Did you hear the one about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods ?

Hey!!!

It's not THURSDAY!

[Rockhead]

Hey !!!!


Did you hear the one about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods ?