The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's {2005} winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
----FINALLY----
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
________________
A senior citizen in Pennsylvania bought a brand new Corvette
convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is
great," he thought as he roared down I-81. He pushed the pedal to the metal
even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a Pennsylvania
State Police officer behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it
some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the officer to catch up
with him.
The officer pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and
today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the officer and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Pennsylvania State Police Officer, and I thought you were bringing her
back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Officer.
_____________
Politically correct men descriptions
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL *** - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
Politically correct women descriptions
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
10. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
______________
Pregnancy Questions -- Ask the Guru
1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
2. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter than they are.
7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
8. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy
14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
____________
Women - You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When ...
15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscen-
ities when he hogs the blanket.
14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam
in your face.
13. PMS lasts all month.
12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on
open display.
11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are
you finished yet?!"
10. He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting
on you at work.
9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break
the monotony.
8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to
keep up.
7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become
way too uncomfortable.
6. Two weeks no orgasm.
5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't
miss it.
4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it
back.
3. You'd rather spend quality time with your
vibrator.
2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...
1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care
if he hears.
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's {2005} winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
----FINALLY----
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.
________________
A senior citizen in Pennsylvania bought a brand new Corvette
convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is
great," he thought as he roared down I-81. He pushed the pedal to the metal
even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a Pennsylvania
State Police officer behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it
some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the officer to catch up
with him.
The officer pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and
today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding
that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the officer and said, "Years ago my wife ran off
with a Pennsylvania State Police Officer, and I thought you were bringing her
back.
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Officer.
_____________
Politically correct men descriptions
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL *** - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not AFRAID OF COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
Politically correct women descriptions
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
10. She is not a SLUT - she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
______________
Pregnancy Questions -- Ask the Guru
1. Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
2. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
3. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
4. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
5. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
6. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Cause you're fatter than they are.
7. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
8. Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
9. Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
10. Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure.
Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
11. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
12. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
13. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy
14. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
15. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
16. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
____________
Women - You Know the Honeymoon Is Over When ...
15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscen-
ities when he hogs the blanket.
14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam
in your face.
13. PMS lasts all month.
12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on
open display.
11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are
you finished yet?!"
10. He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting
on you at work.
9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break
the monotony.
8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to
keep up.
7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become
way too uncomfortable.
6. Two weeks no orgasm.
5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't
miss it.
4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it
back.
3. You'd rather spend quality time with your
vibrator.
2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...
1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care
if he hears.
